


Whispers of the Forest

by Kintora



Category: Mononoke-hime | Princess Mononoke
Genre: Action, Adventure, Anger, Angst, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, F/M, Family, Feudalism, Forgiveness, Gen, Genocide, Resentment, Reunions, Revenge, Romance, Self-Discovery, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28411083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kintora/pseuds/Kintora
Summary: When her village is attacked, Kaya narrowly escapes to the lands of the West. Instead of finding Ashitaka, she encounters a ferocious wolf god patrolling the heart of the forest. Just when she thought he would kill her for trespassing, he saves her from drowning in the storm-swollen river. AS, K?.
Relationships: Ashitaka & San (Mononoke-hime), Ashitaka/San (Mononoke-hime)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Journey

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I’ve always wondered what happened to Kaya after Ashitaka left the Emishi village. She was so incredibly brave and intriguing, it was a shame we never saw her again after Ashitaka began his journey. Growing up watching the film, I always thought they were siblings. However, I’m not sure if that was Miyazaki’s true intention. Coming from a cultural perspective of the Muromachi period and the last records of the Emishi history, it’s possible that Kaya and Ashitaka were surviving clan heirs and possibly betrothed. Due to these revelations, I will write with certain considerations in mind. As for what those would be - read on to see for yourself.
> 
> Finally, I’d like to thank you all for reaching out to me over the years. While this story is still available on FF.net, I'm slowly moving my work over to AO3. Your encouragement means a lot, and helps re-inspire me when I lose interest or hit a writer’s block. This new chapter is dedicated to all of you who have supported my writing in the past. To veteran and new readers, enjoy!

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Whispers of the Forest

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Chapter 1: Journey

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Author: Kintora

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My eyes snapped wide open as I sprang to my feet silently. It was still dark, though a feeling of unease woke me from a deep sleep. Adrenaline raced through my body like cold fire, evaporating my fatigue. It wasn’t the first time I woke with my heart pounding, hearing phantom sounds outside. I lived alone these last seven years, relegated to the village border. Listening intently, I picked up on alarming sounds coming from the village in the distance. Faint yells echoed in the night outside my home.

Dressing as quickly as I could, I donned my fur cloak and stone dagger. Swiftly tying a sash around my waist, I searched for my sheathed chokuto in the semi-darkness. Grabbing my bow and quiver, I cautiously brushed my straw mat to the side.

There was smoke rising from the village, and a malevolent crimson glow illuminating the forest line. Rushing over the foot path towards the village, an unnatural heat fanned over me as I broke through the brambles in my way. Fire swept through half the small buildings in the area, staining the inky night sky with a sickening sheen of blood red. For a moment, I could only stare at the destructive light, easily consuming wood and straw structures in the clearing. 

On instinct, I ducked just as something lodged into the branch above my head with an ominous thud. Greasy red feathers glistened in the blazing fire light.

I dodged again, taking cover as I fled towards the nearest structure. There was so much smoke, heat, and chaos. Men fought, as screams of the fearful and dying rended the night air. A woman's blood-curdling cry pierced my ears, but as I started towards it, her scream cut off with an ominous gurgle. Amidst the clash of weapons, the yelling and screaming, I could also pick out the voices of panicked children.

I was close to the stables. I could find Kiba, and I could escape the bloodbath. But my feet were glued to the ground, frozen in place. Dirt caked between my toes. Icy sweat soaked my back and face. My heart thundered in my ears, as short, hasty breaths sawed through my lungs. I was scared. More scared than I had ever been. 

Perhaps, more scared than facing a giant demon boar god as it slowly turned towards my friends and I, evil eyes widening as the wrathful monster descended upon us. Once again I stood face to face with certain death. But this time, Ashitaka wasn’t here. I was alone.

Looking around the corner, I could see a young boy dragging himself along the wooden building I was hiding behind. Arrows stuck from his leg and back. Slipping back into the open again, I grabbed his arm and looped it around my neck, pulling him into the shadows with me.

“You’re going to be okay,” I heard myself saying, “Yuuya, right? I remember you.”

The boy looked up weakly, blood dripping from his chin. “Princess!”

“Don’t speak, you’ll lose more blood. Stay with me.”

Tears slipped from the corners of his gritty eyes, carving tracks in the dust covering his face. “...S-scared. I’m so scared.”

“I know.” A knot formed in my throat as I watched his small chest stop moving, “May you find peace, Yuuya.”

As I moved his small, broken body from my lap, I wondered how many more Yuuyas this madness would create. As I looked upon the little boy’s crumpled corpse, I realized peace was merely an illusion. How many more people - my people - would be lost tonight? In the future? We were all dying. And not just dying; we were dying out. 

Suddenly, I was flooded with a reckless abandon born from rage. If we were all to die, then I would die honorably tonight alongside my people. But first, I would spill as much of the enemies’ blood as payment. 

“Kaya.”

I spun around, searching for the voice that spoke my name and met the wizened visage of the village wise woman. Why had she not fled? What was she still doing here?

“These beasts will not stop until everything here is destroyed. You will not be spared. Leave while you still can, my princess.”

I stubbornly remained rooted to the ground. “I’m no coward! I will not run away.”

The elderly wise woman peered into my face, the leathery creases in her tranquil face deepening in the eerie light. Her wrinkled lips moved softly, “Leave. You cannot save any lives tonight. And if to your heart’s desire, continue your fight upon your return. To die here is not your destiny. The fate of our tribe rests with you.”

“What do you mean?” My anger lifted briefly, “What can I do to save our people?”

She nodded calmly and looked into the distance, her purposeful gaze seemed to see something beyond the forest. Her voice softened, “Head for the West, my child. There, you will encounter a crossroad. Which path you will choose, not even the gods know. But what you choose will shift the balance.”

“What balance?” I demanded, my hands grasped her frail shoulders, “Please tell me. I don’t want to choose wrongly!”

I bit back a shriek as the ground below me tore open violently. I covered my face and fell to my feet from the explosion nearby as the wind whipped my face and snagged at my clothes.

As soon as I could control the vertigo - the awful ringing in my ears, I looked for the wise old woman. I found her on the ground beside me. Bracing her small, broken body against mine, I felt something wet and warm gush past my fingers. Looking down, I saw wooden splinters piercing her chest. With each gaping breath, her blood poured from her lips. Her eyes were barely open as she looked up at me. With the last of her strength, she pushed my hand up against the deerskin pouch around her neck.

Then the wise woman’s breath ceased and her eyes stared sightlessly up at mine. No, through me to some point beyond even the fathomless sky. I held her hand for a brief moment before taking the pouch from her. The dwindling warmth in her fingers began to dissipate as I let them go to close her eyes.

The battle cries and fighting brought me back to the present. Stowing the pouch away, I retrieved my chokuto and fled to the stables.

Most of the horses were gone - either spooked and escaped already, or looted by our attackers. I let out a sharp whistle, but there wasn’t any movement except for a few startled pigs and sheep. My elk wasn’t here. Struggling to control my panic, I left the stables. But before I could get very far, a sharp piercing pain in the side of my thigh crippled me. Looking down, I spotted the arrow lodged in my upper thigh.

Throwing myself to the side into a crouch, I narrowly escaped another barrage of arrows thudding into the ground in my wake. Hearing the shouts of foreign invaders drove me further into the forest cover, despite the white hot flashes of pain pulsating through my leg. Letting out another short, sharp whistle, I prayed Kiba was close enough to hear me. 

Unable to move any further without addressing my wound, I sat and stretched out my bloody leg under the overhang of a girthy tree. Gritting my teeth, I snapped the arrow shaft and slipped the broken end into my sash. Black and white spots appeared before my eyes, as I fought back the nausea from the pain. Feeling the bloody wound, I realized the arrowhead hadn’t gone through my leg. Yet it was too dark to fish out with my dagger. All I could do was bind it as tightly as I could for now.

Before long, I could hear my pursuers crashing through the inky foliage, following my trail by torchlight. I could see the line of floating lights coming closer and spreading out. It was only a matter of time until they found me, hidden under the tree. Turning away, I leaned the back of my head against the rough, mossy bark. Sweat poured over my eyes despite the early morning chill.

I had been ready to die back there. And now, after receiving even the smallest glimmer of hope, I realized I didn’t want to die. I couldn’t die. Not here. Not yet. Even if that made me a coward, I had to see him again. I had to.

But a light flickered across my face, and my eyes snapped open. It was one of them. He was a young man, not much older than I. He was dressed in foreign armor. One of the Yamato, but... His fierce dark eyes met mine, sweat dotting the side of his face. So familiar. I knew him. He came home to help us. It had to be him. My eyes watered and stung from the fiery light hovering so close to me. He opened his mouth to shout, but I spoke first.

“Ani...Nii-sama. Is that you?”

He paused, blinking as the hard look he’d pinned on me softened. The blade he had pressed against my neck trembled, drawing a trickling line of blood. Roughly, he drew his weapon back. The sharp movement cleared my delirium briefly, and an unfamiliar young man took Ashitaka’s place before me. For a moment I thought he was preparing to thrust it into my heart, when instead, he suddenly spoke in a harsh whisper. 

“I’ll divert them. Get as far away as you can.” He turned from me, but paused, “I’m not your brother. But if he were here, I’m sure he would want you to live.”

And just like that, the torchlight was gone and the footsteps with it. I didn’t know how long I laid there, but dawn was breaking when I felt something warm and wet nuzzling my forehead. A thick, musky clover scent wafted over my feverish face.

“Kiba.” My elk had somehow found me. He came back. Tears sprang to the corners of my eyes as I lifted a hand to his bristly muzzle. “You’re safe.”

Wrapping my hands around his wooly neck, I stood up with his help and weakly mounted his back. Into the dark, bluish dawn, he broke into a trot and then a canter. I nudged him in the opposite direction of the rising sun. As the frosty mountain mist billowed up against us, Kiba’s hooves seemed to take flight as we raced down the forested hillside. 

I shoved away memories of my village and the people that I had known all my life. If I were to revisit them now, I thought I would lose my mind. Focusing on the pulsing pain in my leg was easier. It reminded me that I was alive, and not to give in to despair. I would meet my crossroad, my destiny, just as the wise woman had predicted. I had no choice.

And she had urged me to head to the lands of the West. There was only one thing out there I wanted to find.

Seven years had passed. Perhaps finally, I would discover what became of Ashitaka.

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	2. Dream

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Whispers of the Forest

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Chapter 2: Dream

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Author: Kintora

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It was nearing twilight when my eyes started drooping again, against the dying sun dipping lower beyond the golden horizon. The cold-fire had long since cooled in my veins, leaving me numb all over. My muscles cramped from riding all day, trying to escape as far away into the west as possible. Aside from all the minor scrapes and bruises I received, the arrow wound in my thigh was reduced to a dull throb. Part of the wooden shaft still protruded from my leg while the arrowhead remained embedded. The flesh around the wound was already red and angry, crusted over in dark, flaking blood.

I rubbed my grimey eyes as I fought to stay awake, nodding wearily on Kiba’s back. Once we surpassed the boundaries of our home mountain, I’d urged him to slow down from his breakneck pace. His breathing was also labored, having galloped the whole day with barely any rest in between. I buried my face against his thick, furry neck. Without him, I would’ve been completely lost and alone.

Kiba was now my only friend left. I didn’t know if anyone else escaped the slaughter. My friends, Yukimi and Chizuru… I prayed to the gods that they were still alive - that there were other survivors. And that we would meet again one day.

I didn’t let my mind linger on their faces. I couldn’t let the grief in yet. I had to find a place for Kiba and I to rest, and then I had to make a plan somehow. Gripping the deerskin pouch around my neck, I tried to remember the wise woman’s last words. What balance did she mean? When the time came, what terrible choice did I have to make?

I accidentally face-plated against Kiba’s thick-furry neck again. Groaning miserably, I forced myself upright. Kiba snorted, halting in his tracks and I slammed into him once more. This time, I didn’t bother to sit up so I lay sprawled against his back. I was falling asleep anyway.

Kiba sniffed the air and found his way to a tiny fresh spring where he lowered himself to the ground. The daylight had already morphed into stark, vibrant colors, quickly fading against the canvas of the star-studded sky. A blood red sunset, which reminded me of the fire and bloodshed this morning. Wind curled over my back, ruffling my straw cloak and pulling my hair loose. Dark, unruly strands swirled around my head, mingling with the unfamiliar black shadows of the forest surrounding us.

I slid from Kiba’s back and huddled against his thick hide for warmth. I didn’t dare light a fire in case it drew unwelcome company, even though I knew the night would be punishingly cold. Without shelter, I would not make it without my friend. How many nights would we have to spend like this until… 

Suddenly, the face of the person I most longed to see flashed vividly before my closed eyes. I choked, stifling the dry sob clawing its way out from the empty hole I felt inside me.

Ever since Ashitaka chose exile, the village never felt the same again. I remembered feeling such anger and betrayal towards the village elders. Their indiscriminate, outdated law regarding exile… Our tribe was likely one of the last pockets of the ancient Emishi clans. By adhering to the outdated law protecting our secret survival, disallowing anyone from returning after they left - our culture would be completely wiped out in a few short years. Nothing would survive us, barring unkind stories of our defeat and decimation as told by the winning side.

And those years had been shorter than any of us would have thought, I grimaced as I probed my wound again. Unfortunately, the flesh had swollen enough that I would have to cut the edges and give the arrowhead enough space to come out cleanly. With trembling hands, I freed my stone dagger from its sheath. Holding the hard leather between my teeth, I wedged the tip of the blade into the wound.

Stars exploded behind my eyes, as involuntary tears fell. Teeth clenching around the leather, I began to slowly pry the arrow out. The more my hardened flesh tore, the more my hands shook as I struggled not to blackout. Gripping the broken shaft, I pulled. With a sickening squelch, the arrow came away freely as fresh blood gushed forth. Sweat poured from my feverish skin, chilling me to the bone. My arduous breaths remained erratic as I struggled to contain the pain. Shakily, I managed to cinch a length of scrap burlap over it. 

When it was over, I leaned back against Kiba and heaved a sigh. I didn’t have any medicinal herbs to take, but hopefully I wouldn’t need any. Head spinning, I buried my face into Kiba’s coarse fur. Cold, hunger, hurt… Things I had tried to ignore threatened to overwhelm me if it weren’t for my exhaustion. But I couldn’t help letting a few more tears seep out of the corners of my eyes. Kiba didn’t seem to mind though as my breathing grew more choppy and I began to gasp. He just turned his great antlered-head to look at me before settling down again, letting me sob into his side.

I thought of Yuuya and the old woman. My friends. The family I had lost. I had nothing and no one but Kiba now. But there was hope, I told myself. Ashitaka had to be out there, and I was going to find him. Then I was going to find a way to reunite our people. With his help, we could reclaim our land and rebuild our home. Before I knew it, my thoughts quieted and I fell into a deep, dark place where not even the stars existed.

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Heart pounding, I sat up in the darkness. I could hear the screams of an unknown woman before she was slaughtered. Beside her lay the little boy’s bloody corpse, tear tracks caked down his dusty face. His empty eyes stared limpidly up at the sky, then suddenly his neck twisted and those listless eyes snapped to me. They sunk away until only empty eye sockets remained, and somehow, that hollow, black stare was even more piercing and terrifying than anything I’d ever seen. 

Why did you run, princess? He accused through cold motionless lips. Coward! Traitor!

No! I got up and ran from him, shivers up rattling up my spine and through my phantom limbs. There was nothing I could do! The wise woman told me so. The wise woman told me so!

But even then... Even then, if I were completely honest… I felt relief. Relief under all that fear, when I left. As much as I had wanted to help, as much vengeance I wanted to exact - I was relieved when she told me to leave. Relieved I didn’t have to die. Not yet.

I had been ready to go down in blood and fire, but when I was given even the smallest shred of hope, I’d grasped it with every fiber and sinew of my being. Hanging on that thread, I felt so much smaller and many times more vulnerable and confused. No matter how hard I ran, my feet touched nothing and the dead boy’s empty stare stayed, boring into me. Eating me alive. His cracked, red lips seemed to stretch into a smile. 

Terror writhed in my chest like a living thing, wrenching my own cries forth with inexorable force. They mingled with that of the disembodied child and woman, swallowed in the death cries of the other villagers as steel and flame ended their lives.

My head swung to the side, towards the hot air pulsing over my face. Breathe, breathe… 

Descending again, I trembled as my feet waded through an icy black stream. I couldn’t look down. I had a feeling that if I did, I would sink and drown. And there was nothing to hold onto - all around me was darkness. No stray tree branches. Not a single boulder to cling to should I get swept away, and the water was rising. A hungry current clawed its way up my knees and over my thighs.

Something grabbed my ankle and ripped my footing from under me. As the water swarmed over my head, I floundered trying to right myself. But the more I struggled the more leaden my body became until I could hardly feel anything. The darkness around me stirred, and an enormous set of wickedly sharp teeth flashed. Just before the monstrous, razor sharp incisors could clamp over my body, a light passed over my face. Turning towards the distraction, I could see a man’s shadowy face - Ashitaka’s face - looming over me in the torchlight. His lips didn’t move, but he was telling me something. I’m here, Kaya. I want you to live.

Ani-sama!

Gasping, my eyes flew open and I sat up, my chest heaving. My breaths turned to misty clouds in the crisp morning breeze. Despite the cold, the air was tinged with warmth. Looking to the side, I could see the sun rising, lightening the cool dusky blue with a soft wash of sakura pink. A few stray beams filtered through the low hanging branches, touching my face with gentle fingers.

I wiped the dripping sweat from my chin with the back of my hand. My breath slowly evened out as I came fully awake to inspect my handiwork from the night before. The bleeding had stopped completely, so hopefully my wound would heal in time as long as I took care of it. A glinting light caught my attention, and I picked up the unusually shiny object discarded by my side. 

How unusual, I observed, inspecting the arrowhead. I’d never seen such strange craftsmanship. My people only used stone tipped arrows, but this one was made of some kind of metal. My eyes widened, remembering the ball of iron that had come from the giant boar guardian. It had turned the god into a demon, driving him mad with unholy vengeance. I didn’t know if Ashitaka ever found his answers - if it was all worth it - but it seemed connected somehow. Just where was all this iron coming from? It was a costly metal, and with our methods, we could only produce a few items of such quality. 

Taking the other half of the broken arrow from my sash, I reunited the two ends together. The red and black fletching style was unfamiliar, and likely dyed. And the leather sinew bindings were lacquered in a fashion I had never seen. 

In my village, the children were raised on horror stories about the Yamato. They wore foreign armor, and they fought in frightening seas of bodies. As their numbers grew, they also adopted our guerrilla way of fighting and created even more deadly weapons. Their numbers overwhelmed all of the indigenous tribes that opposed them. After driving the survivors up into the treacherous mountains of the north, our ancestors stayed hidden away from the Yamato and their petty wars for centuries.

So how could they have discovered us? Our living footprint was so small. We never ventured beyond our borders, and made no effort to contact the outside. To engage us after all this time… And to simply exterminate us without even sending an emissary. Something wasn’t right. 

Or perhaps, I was simply too naive. Perhaps they really meant to clear out their corner of the world and leave no stain of the past to mar it.

Kiba had found his way closer to the spring and now he stood in the pooling water, slaking his thirst. I had barely acknowledged the spring the night before. But now I watched, mesmerized, as gittering water trickled down in a rivulet over a jutted rock.

I was just about to get a drink when I heard twigs snapping behind me. My hand was already grasping the hilt of my chokuto in a white knuckle grip when I realized it was only a squirrel. It paused to look at me before scurrying under the thicket and disappearing altogether. I narrowed my eyes and glanced over at Kiba. He hadn’t even looked up from his long drink and merely flapped a tired ear in my direction.

Sighing, I limped over to the water and Kiba came up beside me. I held onto his thick neck as I tested the depth and formation of the rocks beneath me. Cautiously letting go, I stood under the small icy waterfall and let it run its course over my head and body. I scrubbed the ash and dirt off, turning my head up to drink deeply from the falling water. 

Taking the leather waterskin from Kiba’s saddle, I filled it with fresh running water before climbing onto Kiba’s back again. Feeling a little more reinvigorated as we set out, I plotted ways we could forage for food. It was spring, so hunting shouldn’t be a problem. For now, we would stay in the forest off of any roads or footpaths to prevent encountering any other people. 

As we traveled west, I wondered how long it would be till I’d finally find Ashitaka. I rarely remembered my dreams, but last night, I saw his face and heard his voice. I wanted to believe he was alive and well, but the cursed wound on his arm had been grave. The wise woman made it very clear to all of us that if it was not lifted, Ashitaka would succumb to the hatred corrupting his body and soul. He would have become just like the demon board god, and possibly killed us all had he stayed. 

Still, I had been furious when the village elders convinced him to leave us. It destroyed the future for me then, and I had thought we would never cross paths again. Gifting my treasured crystal dagger to him was the only way I could protect him from afar. It was the only way we could still be together even when separated by distance, danger, and even death. If after all these years, he was alive and well… 

Heart pounding suddenly, I couldn’t help fantasizing how I would meet him again. Would he still recognize me? Would I recognize him? And most importantly, would he even want to return and help me avenge our village?

I shook my head, trying to unseat my doubts. He was my destiny, and I had to meet him again. I was sure of it. Opening the deerskin pouch, I found human hair inside. It had been carefully plaited and coiled, but I knew it belonged to him. The wise woman wanted me to find him, and so I would.

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	3. Forests

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Whispers of the Forest

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Chapter 3: Forests

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Author: Kintora

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Over mountains and valleys, I crossed dipping rivers and overgrown fields. The sky usually remained blue with a few wispy looking clouds on most days, but in this humid spring season, the moody sky was just brewing for rain. I managed to get by, foraging in the woods and setting traps for small prey. Fortunately, my wound continued to heal and my fever broke after a few days. I was even able to scrounge up some arikko, feather columbine roots, that I ground to paste, applying it under my makeshift dressings. It seemed to help ease the pain at least.

When I was well enough, I ventured into a few remote villages – passing myself off as a young boy on some pilgrimage. I would trade labor for food or supplies. I never stayed in one place very long and I made sure to leave Kiba somewhere safe and out of sight. At least, the people I met seemed less interested in a wandering orphan, and more interested in preparing for the summer harvest.

Though I didn’t have to worry about forest predators in a human settlement, traveling alone was still dangerous. With all the feuding clan wars, rogue samurai were as common as regular thieves. Despite taking extra pains to hide my identity, I made it my business to stay aware at all times. There were a few times that I feared I’d been followed, but in the end, I managed to stay fairly inconspicuous while picking up some information about iron forges in the West. Travelers gossiped on the street like errant magpies, especially around the open air snack stands. 

News of the rich land being cultivated stirred the greed amongst certain ambitious men, and dreamers longed to journey there to snag a piece of that fortune. News of more forests being uprooted and claimed by feudal lords reached ever further east and north. I narrowed my eyes before getting up to pay for my meager meal and leave the grubby roadside establishment.

The journey was long, possibly eight moons or so had already passed, nearing the second cycle. I was running out of my second sack of rice and oats as we headed further southwest. The night was creeping in on the two of us when we finally decided to stop by a cliffside to rest. Well, Kiba just stopped in his tracks and wouldn’t move when I urged him to. So I hopped off his back and gently led my friend towards the base of an old tree to wait out the night.

I ignored setting up a fire. The nights were still chilly, but we were much too close to the village for me to dare risk catching anyone’s attention. I popped some oats in my mouth and shared some feed with Kiba. Afterwards, I ripped off some dried meat as well, hoping it would ease my perpetually starving stomach.

My body had grown thin from insomnia and malnutrition, but it wasn’t something I could remedy easily. Though our rough travels hardened me somewhat, I couldn’t help but long for a warm place to sleep and the voices of my kin. I chewed solemnly as I dwelled in my thoughts. 

We were getting closer with each passing league – I could feel it in my bones. I wondered if Ashitaka heard the stories about these heinously abused forests. And if he had, I wondered if he would have avoided them or gone in search of them. Our people would have never dreamed of destroying the woods to such an extent. Such cruelty seemed so senseless. We relied on the forest to protect and provide for us, as it always had. 

All those years ago, it was no wonder the wise woman perceived great evil at work in the west. To steal all the bounty of the land and not even give back to her was simply unfathomable. It hurt just to imagine land so thoroughly raped by its own people - people who should have respected and cared for her. 

If these forges were truly the source of these iron abominations, I wondered if Ashitaka felt the same hatred curling in my gut. The nearly healed wound in my leg throbbed. I hadn’t realized my nails were biting into my skin. Loosening my fists, I stroked Kiba’s furry flank instead. Perhaps I could locate these iron forges and see them for myself. 

The next fortnight, I passed through another village and managed to get some directions towards the infamous iron fortress. This Iron Town couldn’t have been more than another few days of travel away, depending on which route we took. Merchant caravans had no choice but to take the road, but they were usually accompanied by hired guards. Travelers tended to travel in small groups or were skilled in some defense of sorts. As a lone wolf, I was skilled but wanted nothing more than to avoid human attention altogether. So despite the strange warnings in the village - warnings of monstrous creatures like giant boars and wolves - I didn’t see the need to try the main road. 

The moon rose slowly into the inky sky, casting its pale light into the forest around us. Nightlife chirped and warbled innocuously, though I kept my ears strained for any unusual disturbances. Nevertheless, Kiba and I settled down on a cool dry patch with just enough room for the two of us.

I leaned back into his warm furry hide like I did every night, rising and falling gently with his every breath. He snorted when I ruffled the wooly fur on his neck affectionately. My friend only turned his large antlered-head and nipped my hair softly, making me laugh a little, as if to remind me why I named him Kiba those many years ago. 

As he turned away to sleep, I pulled the deerskin pouch out. I could see its faint outline in the pale light filtering through the trees. Possessing it felt so surreal, yet its palpable weight in my hand was enough to make me cringe. The longer we were on the road, the more it seemed like our life back in the northern mountains was merely a waking dream; a nightmare I had somehow come to accept. 

I shuffled onto my side, patting Kiba’s bushy shoulder. He flapped an ear at me in his sleep, but didn’t wake. Nose pressed into his warm hide, I relished his heavy, familiar scent. He smelled of home and journey at the same time. I didn’t need to sniff my own shoulder to know we were both long overdue for a wash in the river.

Clutching the pouch to my chest like I did every night, I finally drifted off into a light slumber.

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Dawn struck earlier than I would have liked. For once, my nightmares had not visited me in my sleep. In fact, I don’t think I dreamed at all. As I erased our tracks with a fallen branch, Kiba straightened up and shook the morning dew from his coat, flinging bright water gems in every direction. 

“Kiba!” I scolded, wiping my face and blinking water out of my eyes. He merely snorted, shaking his head as he turned away from my accusing gaze.

After shaking the dew from my straw cloak, I sighed and scratched his jaw. All was forgiven. I could never stay peeved at him.

“You ready to find Ashitaka?” I asked aloud, my voice raspy from sleep. I asked him this every morning and received the usual light bump to my cheek from his wet, velvety nose. I grinned, already feeling better as I leapt onto his broad back.

We followed the path along the cliff and I had to stop several times to marvel at the sight. The pass gave me a clear view of the rising sun goddess, peeking shyly behind the mountains and gradually growing braver as she emerged behind them. Her light poured into the pooling shade left over from the night. However, the murky sky hinted at scattered dark clouds, pregnant with promised rain. The tired forest woke, lazily stretching its shadows the higher the sun rose. Skylarks began to sing in the distance, their songs wheeling up from the dark forest below. My eyes scanned the horizon, absorbing the grand view of morning mists rising then dissipating above the thick foliage.

Remembering my thoughts last night about finding a place to bathe, we carefully picked our way down the steep mountainside. Impenetrable white fog hid the treacherous path, but it was no match for Kiba’s senses as he continued on without pause. 

After an hour or two, the sun had risen but kept hiding away in the darkening clouds. I frowned at this. Kiba and I needed to find flatter ground away from the cliffs, and quickly at that. The ground was already a little loose, and a possible mudslide was the last thing we wanted to encounter. I urged Kiba into a canter.

My face twisted uncomfortably as I tried to keep from bouncing around on his back. My monthly bleeding had come two days prior and made me considerably irritable. I could hardly wait until we found a body of clean water.

Kiba slowed his gait, his head and ears perking at the sound of rushing water. I felt the cool vapor before I saw the river, even though we were still a distance from its rocky shoreline. But my elk headed farther down instead of straight towards it. I was about to guide him towards the river when I spotted what he saw. Running spring water ended in the river, but before that, it created a conveniently located reservoir.

I patted Kiba’s neck appreciatively and climbed carefully back down. A cramping pain shot through my lower torso, almost costing me my balance. Sometimes the pain grew in intensity so I could feel it coming a mile away. Other times, especially after riding for so long, the cramps came suddenly without warning. It would be better in a day or two, but I tried not to think about how long that sounded at the moment. I still needed to set traps and locate some edibles to conserve our dwindling supplies. Kiba waited patiently as I took the remainder of our food from his back and set it in a small hollow below the gnarly roots of a nearby tree.

I shed my clothes as well, rolling the small pouch up in the folds next to the food to keep them as dry as possible. Kiba trotted right into the water, dipping his head in and then out before turning to see if I would follow. I pulled off my undergarments and made a face before walking into the running water to stand next to Kiba.

I washed out the blood from the cloth in my hands and wrung it out as best I could before hanging it on a low branch to dry. Then I took a deep breath and dunked my whole body into the water, head and all. My dark hair fluttered around my face, swirling around my head as I sat in a ball along the sides of the small reservoir. I could see Kiba’s legs in the pristine, but shady depths.

I blinked blearily in the bitingly chill water, trying to adjust to the cold temperature. Hugging myself to keep what little body heat I could, I sunk deep into my thoughts. Part of me wished I could stay here in the numbing, airless abyss, embraced by its soothing silence. Here I could hide and pretend nothing existed, for out there above the surface, a world of trouble awaited me.

My mind felt heavy with indecision and doubts in the peaceful depths of the running spring. I had no home now, not unless I found a way to gain it back. Maybe it wasn’t just Ashitaka’s help I needed. Perhaps I needed to enlist more help, if I could acquire the allegiance of others. I fought down an incredulous snort to avoid drowning in the water.

I had never heard of a woman formally leading any coalition of warriors… Besides the wise woman, though that didn’t really count as leading. It was just spiritual guidance and religious authority she wielded, but the village’s male elders made and upheld every law. The men were always the strong ones who kept our village alive. Or at least, they used to. It never stopped our women from taking up arms against any foe that threatened the village. I opened my eyes.

The water began to ripple unevenly and I thought for a moment that it was because I was becoming too light-headed. But it turned out that that wasn’t the case. Kiba wasn’t moving either; his four fluffy orange legs were still. I looked up and saw that the uneven rippling was due to the rain pelting patterns onto the water’s surface.

I stood, bursting through the surface of the water. I drew in deep breaths, my chest heaving as I threw my head back to look at the thick, gray clouds hanging low above my little sanctuary. Raindrops landed in my mouth, and I drank my fill from the pouring sky. The cool rain blurred my vision, mingling with warm tears. At that moment, I felt like I had let go of something. What that was, I wasn’t entirely sure. But I wished something would fill the hole inside and take its place.

The cold rain slid down the sides of my face and neck, streaming over my bare chest. They splintered into new rivulets over the contours of my hips to meet with the spring. Sighing, I enjoyed the water’s gentle fingers tracing reassuring whorls into my skin. Each liquid touch followed one path after another in a continuous act of comfort down my pallid body. 

Suddenly I straightened, all mixed feelings forgotten as I stretched out my senses. Kiba seemed to feel another presence too as he stood rigidly, sharp antlers lowered as his orange ears flattened against his head. Elks usually fled in the face of danger, but Kiba had a rather belligerent temperament which made him far less skittish than the rest of his kind.

Putting a hand against his neck, I guided him back to where our belongings were stashed. My hair plastered against my face and neck, but I didn’t bother drying myself as I threw on my clothes as quickly as possible.

I dressed in record time as Kiba got out of the water cautiously. Making sure my pouch was stuffed snugly inside the layers of my clothes and that the food was secured to Kiba’s side, I mounted and rode towards the river. I was hoping to cross it so whatever had been watching us would only follow at the risk of revealing itself.

Kiba went down the steep path and stumbled nervously onto the rocks beside the river. I patted his neck, hoping that would help calm him. The current seemed much swifter than before, but I didn’t feel safe on this side of the bank. I don’t think Kiba did either, for he started to cross the river without a command from me.

Looping my arms firmly around his thick furry neck, I placed my trust in him to move cautiously. However, I was afraid that the water would be too fast, too deep and too dangerous even for him. Maybe I should have looked closer for somewhere safer to cross, but now that we were more than halfway there, I wasn’t sure I could convince Kiba to backpedal.

He stumbled again, and this time we sank into the river like a rock. Panicking, Kiba swung his head and accidentally dislodged me. Crying out, my voice cut off suddenly as the greedy current tore me away from him. Choking, I struggled to surface but tumbled helplessly among the rapids, I could hardly tell which way was up or down. It was sheer luck I managed to claw my way up for air. I couldn’t see Kiba when I surfaced, gasping and coughing uncontrollably. All I could hear was the torrential rain pelting down over the thrashing river and Kiba’s panicked bugling in the distance.

Blinded by water, I didn’t notice the slippery boulder until the current slammed me headlong into it. The side of my face crushed into the rock, as my cold hands struggled to find purchase over its slick mossy surface before another current wrenched me away. I didn’t know how long I drifted in and out, unable to breathe and unable to move. Just when I couldn’t even tell if I was physically there anymore, sharp pain exploded in my shoulder. I screamed again and flailed weakly, my mind wildly conjuring all sorts of nightmarish aquatic monsters with razor teeth.

“Stop moving,” a deep, hostile voice snarled at me, accompanied by a low, threatening growl. My whole body rattled with it. Completely overcome from fear, cold, and exhaustion, I kept my body as still as I could, even as I was dragged unceremoniously from the river by something very, very strong – and bristling with power and antipathy.

My heart was pounding at a thousand leagues a minute as I breathed in and out sharply. Once it let me go, I flopped onto the cold wet ground, like a ragdoll. After a moment, I found some strength to cradle my injured shoulder, blinking the excess water from my eyes. I was dimly aware of familiar hooves trotting closer, until a guttural sound ripped through the presence of whatever was beside me. Hooves pawed in the mud and I turned to see Kiba’s grayish form not too far away, his sharp antlers lowered in defiance.

“Your elk has a death wish,” the same deep voice cut through the loud pattering of rain, only this time he sounded vaguely amused.

I grimaced. “No, Kiba…” I gripped my shoulder, biting back a painful moan as I shifted my weight onto it, “G-get out of here…”

The unearthly sonorous voice seemed to chuckle, “Such a loyal pet. Where shall I start first? Perhaps the back leg. Or maybe his throat. It matters little. I look forward to picking apart his carcass.”

“NO!” I foolishly shot to my feet. The world tilted dangerously and my vision went black for a brief second. Miraculously still standing when I came to again, I placed myself between the monster beast and my elk. Unable to distinguish specific features of the enormous, blurry white blob, I had a hard time focusing on where I thought his eyes were. “Wha… W-who are you?” My teeth chattered uncontrollably.

The face of the being moved in closer. No… it was a snout. It was a very big silver snout - a slash of snow white against the splash of gray all around us. But gods help me, I wish could unsee those huge incisors lining black gums as the creature grimaced menacingly at me. I could barely hold the gaze of those fiercely intelligent amber eyes flecked with pure gold. Only curiosity and fear kept my eyes from straying. This was not happening. I was not seeing a giant white wolf.

But the massive silver paws only affirmed what I was struggling to comprehend. He padded closer, sniffing disdainfully at my face and clothes. It was all I could do to keep from shrinking away from him in cold terror. I didn’t want to offend this beast-god. After a quiet moment, he spoke again in that same unearthly voice, “You will come with me.”

I shifted backwards this time, stumbling into a boulder. Trapped, I gripped its surface and glared up at him. Fear and awe be damned. 

“Get on my back.”

My hand automatically found the hilt of my chokuto and I found myself straightening up to my full height. Thankfully, it didn’t part from me when I was in the water. Man or beast-god, I was not going to mindlessly succumb to the will of another. “Why?” I demanded through gritted teeth.

The white wolf sat before me. “Do you wish to die out here?”

My head pounded in protest, but I obstinately stared back unflinchingly. “Of course not. But I’m not following you anywhere. Despite doing me a service by… dragging me out of the rapids, you threatened my friend.” 

I couldn’t tell whether his crinkled muzzle or the curl of his black lip meant he was offended or amused. Remembering just to whom I was speaking with, I softened the edge in my voice, “Why save me? To what end? How do I know you won’t lead me to a fate worse than death on...” 

But before I could say much more, my body finally gave out against my resolve. Crumpling, I struggled to keep myself upright on my hands and knees but even that failed as I sank bonelessly into the mud. Rain pattered the banks around us, as darkness crept into my field of vision.

I beat back the darkness viciously, but it was no use. The harder I tried to stay awake, the heavier my head became until I could no longer even lift my cheek from the ground. Vaguely, I felt the wolf god’s teeth sink into the back of my jacket, swinging my leaden body onto his huge, sweltering back. The last thing I remembered was that his pelt reeked of wet fur, but the heat radiating off of him wasn’t so unpleasant.

………

The fire scorched me. An arrow pierced my leg. I was hot and cold all at once. The scene was familiar, for I dreamed of it almost every night. The village was burning, the woman was screaming, the child was crying. And eyes. Dead eyes. So many dead eyes on me.

The faces of my parents and kin spiraling into darkness. Ashitaka’s silver-lined silhouette as he walked further and further away into the distance, leading Yakkul towards the small road that led outside of the village. He paused to turn back towards me, his face masked. As he drew the mask down under his chin, he gave me a kind smile. He turned away from me again.

I wanted to cry out, but I had no voice. Everyone was gone now. I had no home. No one to return to. Everyone had departed for places I could not go. Not yet.

‘No, don’t leave me. Not you too! Come back!’ 

But as he kept walking away, black flames rose in his wake and scorched towards me. The heat became more intense, and sweat poured from my skin. But every time I tried to move or sit up, a weight I couldn’t see pressed me down.

I seemed to have found my lips again, my eyes hot and burning, “Ani-sama, come back!”

I was falling again though, plummeting into the ground. As I craned my neck up, I saw the wise woman’s face loom into view, her sullen hollow eyes staring into mine. Her still mouth seemed to say something, but I missed it. I was too frightened to move. Her breath was soft on my face, but it was sweltering hot. So hot.

I wanted Ashitaka to come back. He always knew what to do. When he left he was only seventeen, but he always knew what to do. Wise beyond his years, people used to say. Now I was seventeen, but I could never hope to measure up to him.

“’Nii-sama…” I slurred. Squeezing my closed eyes, I groaned. Jarred out of my nightmares, I became more aware of the murmuring in the background.

“San, she’s waking up.” I thought I heard that voice before, but it sounded a little deeper than I remembered. I realized belatedly that it wasn’t the same beast speaking, “She has very quiet nightmares. Not a single scream. A lot like him, don’t you think?”

A pair of feet walked towards me. The footsteps were so quiet I might not have heard them if I wasn’t lying down on some kind of fur blanket. Someone sat down beside me and felt my forehead. I had to bite down from crying out at the coldness of the touch.

“She’s really burning up,” I heard a woman say. Though her voice was level, something in her low tones betrayed her concern.

When I finally managed to force my eyes open, it took me a few moments to register her face. She had high cheekbones, and some kind of red painted design over them. Her hair was cropped in a style I’d never seen on any woman before. But her eyes were what caught and held my attention. The clearest, fiercest gray eyes I had ever seen - like snow and thunder all at once.

My eyes felt too heavy to keep open for long, but I fought to stay awake. Where was I? Where had that…Beast-god taken me? Who was this woman? 

Where was Kiba?

I fumbled weakly at my side, half-trying to sit up and half-trying to find my weapons. I couldn’t make up my mind on doing one or the other. Chest laboring, I tried to lift myself again, but the cold hand that pressed against my bare shoulder stopped me. “You shouldn’t push yourself. Lay down and stay still until you get better.”

“No, I need to find…” I struggled, managing to shift under the covers. I stilled very quickly. “Where are my clothes?” I asked dumbfoundedly.

“I told you so, San,” I heard the familiar voice of the wolf I met at the river, “She’s as obstinate as a mule.” I bristled at the insult, but oddly enough, a part of me was grateful that I recognized at least one entity in the room. 

San spoke impatiently, “I know. We might as well ask what she’s doing here.”

I knew what I was doing before. I had a mission and I couldn’t just lie around like an invalid. I struggled to collect my strength. I was going to get up whether they wanted me to or not – whether my body was prepared to or not. I was going to find Kiba, and then we were leaving to find Ashitaka.

I forced myself up and had to catch myself on my elbows. Gritting my teeth, I gripped the fur blanket over my chest as I sat, catching my breath as I cast my gaze around the dim cave. My voice rasped harshly, “I thank you for your help, but I must go.” I winced and felt uselessly under the cover for my little pouch, “I must have my things back.”

I sensed their silent, collective gazes pressing in on me, and felt even more naked under their contemplative observation.

The familiar wolf’s voice seemed far away, but I heard him clearly, “She reeks like him.”

“Like Ashitaka?” San asked lightheartedly.

All of my stubborn, single-minded thoughts came to a crashing halt. With wide eyes, I stared at her, struck dumb with shock. 

………

………

………


End file.
